May: 5/1/98 - Sucker Advertising
Ok, someone or something has to put a stop to this. I used to laugh on the Simpsons when Crusty would tell kids that he'd give them all checks for $50 only to have an announcer say that "Checks will not be honored." It was a great gag, wasn't it?
I've seen a psychic commercial claiming 20 "free" minutes of time with a psychic. The host/infomercial lady even goes so far as to say, "No strings attached, the time is all at once!" (Apparently, their last "10 free minutes" gag was only 2 minutes at a time). However, on the bottom of the screen during the commerical is a message "Free minutes depend upon switching your long distance carrier," or something to that effect. Basically, you only get the free minutes when you switch LD carriers.
Now, I don't know much about law, but I think that if you tell a customer one thing, and do another, there's a problem. At the very least, there's a clear intent to mislead. The scary thing is that with the onset of slamming (tricking someone into signing a document with something about agreeing to change your LD carrier when the document signed isn't related to it), we're seeing some pretty nasty approaches coming. What really scares me are web sites.
If I have pasted all over my web site that you sign up for some sports service, and by clicking somewhere you agree to the terms, you'd better read those terms and see if there's anything funny in there. My issue with the problem is, does a mouse click legally execute anything? Does a verbal agreement override a written one if the verbal agreement was first?
It seems that our government needs to take some long, hard looks at the business laws, because with the whole thing spinning out of control, we're going to see some people taken to the cleaners because they don't have the education to read all of the cryptic legalese!
March: 3/11/98 - Monetary Madness
Well, Asia has troubles, and the stock market goes up; Greenspan warns of trouble, and the stock market goes up; the UN has tensions with Iraq, and still the stock market goes up. What gives?
I was reading an article in the Chicago Tribune, and they were speculating about the causes of the amazing growth. Basically, one theory was that the baby boomer investments towards retirement was keeping the market growing. Unfortunately, more money was taken out by retirees this year, than was put in by any planners.
Ok, so what about 401k? Well, they say it has a little to do with it, but the rate at which 401k money is going in is pretty steady. Has been for a while. So where is all this growth coming from?
The biggest reason that they found was that companies were buying back their own stock at an alarming rate. At such a rate, speculations were that most Fortune 500 companies would be completely private by 2010. Not a very likely thing (or a good omen, if it is likely!).
My take on the matter is one of ridiculousness. The market is based upon perception. What will X company do this year, what does their annual report say? Unfortunately, business plans and forecasts tend to be outright lies that would make most carpetbaggers blush. How can we invest when the exponential growth that we've been seeing cannot go on forever?
Well, we make the rules, we make the system. And if we decide to keep investing and printing more money, then we can continue to pick ourselves up by our own collars. Until we learn that the whole system is based upon flimsy assumptions (that seem to change daily), we'll nevre understand that if everyone in the world agrees that the market should go up, why wouldn't it?
February: 2/9/98 - Media Overkill
Ok, so this Clinton thing has me screaming for media blood. For a time I considered going into journalism, but now I'm glad that I didn't. I've got enough to be ashamed about to be angry at my profession as a whole. The web has been one of the few places that you could find (if you looked hard enough) honest news. Unfortunately, the Clinton "scandal" has upped web usage something like 150% to news sites. All we have is stupid puns on Watergate...Interngate, Tailgate, etc. It just makes me want to scream.
Ok, here's my thing (watch enough Millennium, Joe?)...I'm tired of having us scream for blood while we crucify our public figures. Maybe Clinton did it...maybe he lied to try and cover it up. We're approaching the proverbial slippery slope here (watch enough B5, Joe?). If we start expecting our leaders to never screw up and never break laws, we're gonna have to clean the *whole* government out.
One of the side effects of politics is that honesty *never* gets elected. Want to kill your political career? Start talking about raising taxes, cutting programs, and making the tough decisions. Two words: Mike Dukakis. Why is Jimmy Carter one of the most hounded presidents ever? He told the truth. Why did we all love Reagan so? Because he was an image, a lie. We run the system, we promote the dishonest types, and now we scream for blood when we catch one of them (possibly) in a lie? I suppose perjury under oath is somehow worse than "Read my lips, no new taxes." A lie is a lie, whether it's on the stand or not.
Ok, back to the media...I was so happy to see those damn photographers get run over by Lewinsky's car. They deserve it. And on CNN I saw a report about all the photographers and cameramen. Ok, there aren't enough of them there...let's send more cameramen to cover how many cameramen there are. Enough!!! China and Russia are playing hard ball about any action against Iraq starting a world war, and what makes the top story in the news? More stupid impeachment talk. Folks, do me a favor...stop going to the web sites and stop watching the news that doesn't cover the issues.
Personal issues are just that...personal. We can thank Aaron Spelling for saucing up the desire for a good scandal. Washington, DC 90210. Will Bill resist the hot new intern? Will Hillary leave for good? Will Socks and Buddy ever be friends? Let's care more about our planet and less about the silly drama, ok? Fine.
December: 12/10/97 - The Apocalypse?
What's up my craw this month? Well, I'm glad you asked! Ok, so if you looked at the poll this month, you'll have noticed that I'm talking about disturbing trends. There are two major trends that I've been noticing in the news lately: young mothers killing their newborn children and kids going into school and opening fire.
Let's start with the mothers. Normally, the tendency would be to write this phenomenon off to a lack of education, but -- for the most part --, these mothers seem to be young, middle to upper-middle class girls. Yet they have been strangling, suffocating, and abandoning their children. My take on motherhood, with the non-existent experience I have, is that the pain of childbirth (as well as the hassle of the pregnancy as a whole) are a connecting factor. Moments of extreme duress seem to bond people together. So, it would be logical to say that the pain of childbirth would permanently bond the mother to their child. For whatever the cause or reason, this motherly instinct seems to be counteracted by something in these girls.
Second, these kids (in the South, it seems) going into school and firing on fellow students is quite troubling. As a kid that was picked on quite often, I understand their pain, but I was a) never able to sustain that rage through the fight of my reason, and b) never had access to weapons when I was that mad. However it has worked out, some amount of self-restraint was obviously missing from these kids.
In both cases, some base level of societal restriction, and in some cases natural instinct, was counteracted. In could be said that social pressures are mounting to such a level that people are beginning to flake out and rise up against said pressures -- namely peer pressure. Now I'd hate to advertise that I watch Millennium, and I certainly don't give any credibility to an arbitrarily chosen date, but perhaps the media and social hysteria surrounding the coming 2000 is causing such events. Whatever the cause, we've still got two years, and it looks like it's going to be a bumpy ride!
October: 10/13/97 - Corporate Media Takeover
Ok, so lately M-TV has tried to go through an image change. The thrust of this change involves many shows and live segments that try to convince you, the viewer, that New York is the coolest place on Earth. They run ass-kissing live segments with movie stars and artists, not too coincidentally artists that Viacom has interest in. Basically, what we're seeing is the crossover of commercial groups into art. The line between media and corporate sponsorship (and therefore between corporations and art, too...where do you think we see what's cool?) is growing fuzzier every day.
As a result, I would like to go on record to say that sometime in the next ten years, a media conglomerate (Warner Bros., Viacom, Sony...) will try to run an ex-corporate officer for a prominent public office. Needless to say, that candidate will have more power to gain media attention than other political candidates. If any success is shown by that media candidate, alliances will form between media conglomerates and politicians (kinda like after one person lies it forces everyone to play dirty) that will determine the outcomes of many elections.
Think I'm crazy? Well, Reagan was wildly popular not because of his policies or actions but because of his image. Seen the Bob Dole ads for Visa? It won't be too long before the politicians and the government put two and two together and realize how much power these media companies have. Look at Sony; they own a movie company (Columbia) which has power in movies, the recording industry, and TV. Plus, Sony manufactures the hardware for those areas (TV's, cameras, and CD players). They even bought Loews Theatres so that they have distribution for their movies. How far can it go when one company owns the bands, the studios, the CD plants, AND the point of sales? Kinda like a vertical monopoly if you ask me.
Pay attention, the storm is coming...
September: 9/5/97 - Hollywood & Royalty
This month, I'd like to talk about the media's handling of the Princess Diana thing. Before I get too serious...
What nut decided that Diana news was more important to football viewers than half-time info? I mean, I know that you wanna keep your viewers, but let's get real! All of the men in this country combined could really care less about the English Royal Family compared to the half-time scores of the games they bet on!
Ok, sorry if that pissed anyone off. Now, this focusing on celebrity deaths has *got* to stop. Sure, if it's someone that may affect our lives by some radical means, then we need hours of coverage. But the discussions that have followed Diana's death have only showed the media sensationalism that may have led to her death in the first place. And how does the media handle it? More coverage! And how does Hollywood react? By talking about it and demanding media time to do so! George, Batman, darling, if you wanna stop this cult of fame, STOP CALLING PRESS CONFERENCES!! Madonna, sweety, you spend your whole career doing things for shock value, AND THEN YOU ASK THE MEDIA TO STOP PAYING ATTENTION?!?! Does anyone else see the problem here?
What we really need is a good alien invasion. That would focus our attentions on the proper things: education, cooperation, the environment, and technology. When Diana's death makes the front page over news that scientists have genetically engineered a virus to attack HIV(never mind if HIV & AIDS are connected, the virus hunting virus is *cool*!), something is wrong! Please, call the news stations, the newspapers, firebomb the Enquirer, STOP THE MADNESS!
August: 8/3/97 - The Adventure of Jim
Well, in an attempt to justify my creativity, I have posted the following story that I wrote a few years back. I couldn't come up with anything this month, so in lieu of a real opinion this month, here's a short story... PS: A friend of mine told me that someone might steal this if I put it up, but I'd probably be honored if anyone thought enough of it to steal...
The Adventure of Jim
The desert stretched out to eternity in front of Jim. He had been wandering for hours, thinking about the way his vacation should have turned out.
"C'mon hon," his wife had said to him, "Cairo will make a GREAT vacation spot. You'll love it!!" Well, he certainly wasn't loving this. The hot sun beat down upon Jim's horribly burned skin. In a heat induced daze, Jim glanced at his tattered shoes and blistered feet. Here he was, practically in the birthplace of Mankind, and he was wondering how we had managed to survive such conditions. His thirst was really beginning to bother him now, since he hadn't had anything to drink since he left the car in search of help. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out in the searing desert heat.
Jim hoped something was over the next dune, but he had hoped that for the last twenty or so dunes; all of them had disappointed him terribly. As he reached the top of the dune, he saw a stone formation in the distance. His heart quickened as he began to hurry towards potential shelter. His feet hurt him as he began to hurry, but his adrenaline was helping him ignore the pain. He wondered if there would be any people, or at least water, at the formation. "Well," he thought, "whatever's there can't be any worse than the mess I'm in."
The ground sloped down into a cavern-like area, and Jim found himself surrounded by thirty foot walls of stone. With no choice but to go forward, Jim followed the stone path deeper and deeper into the earth. The dark cavern walls eclipsed the searing sun and as the intense sunlight was blocked away, Jim began to feel a little safer about this place. After about an hour of following the twisting cavern trail, Jim came to a cave in the side of one of the walls. The cave was hot and moist. It was very dark, and Jim used the slimy walls as a guide to proceed into the cave. The cave was very dark, and Jim's eyes took a few minutes to adapt to the low light. The air was still hot, but at least it was moist, and Jim took deep breaths in an attempt to wet his throat and nose. As he followed the cave deeper, Jim began to smell burning wood. Off in the distance of the cave, Jim saw a faint flickering light in the distance. Because he smelled the wood, Jim assumed it to be a fire of some sort, but he wasn't sure whether it was the light or his eyes that made the light seem pale. As he came up to a turn in the cave, he peered around the corner to find an ancient man sitting behind the fire.
The old man was sitting so that the warm glow of the fire revealed the abnormally advanced age of the old man. The man's skin was a pale grey, the color of ashes. His wrinkled face gave Jim the impression of hundreds, maybe thousands of years of life. "That's crazy," Jim thought, "no one can live that long. I must be delirious." The old man's eyes were sunken deep into his skull, and his dark gray eyes appeared to have a pale reddish glow from the fire. The old man's robes were black from age and dirt, and the tattered robes and hood hardly covered the old man at all. He sat breathing so slowly as to appear to not be breathing at all, and his stillness stirred a deep fear in Jim. The old man was holding a tattered deck of cards in his hands, shuffling and cutting the deck with the dexterity of a young magician. Jim stood in a combination of awe and fear of the old man.
A few seconds after Jim came around the corner, the old man stopped manipulating the cards. The old man took a deep, raspy breath and looked at Jim. The old man's eyes seemed to pierce Jim's soul, and Jim shivered as if someone had walked across his grave. The old man spoke quietly and said, "Please sit down."
Jim was surprised the old man had spoke, and he sat down on the ash-ridden floor in a stupor. The old man's eyes stayed transfixed to Jim as he sat. Jim was deeply frightened, but he could not break away from the gaze of the old man. He stammered a bit and managed to mumble and ask what the old man was doing out here in the middle of the desert.
"I have been in this cave since the beginning of time," breathed the old man. The old man's crackled like autumn leaves blowing through a cemetery. "I have been watching your world develop from the very start. My displeasure for this planet has grown slowly over the years. I am sick and tired of seeing the human race waste any gifts it has been given. I am tired of the mistreatment of the planet. I am tired of watching the world fade into oblivion. I am tired of it all. I would let you fall on yourselves like the beasts that you are, if I thought it would be worth anything. I have decided to destroy your race before any more harm can come of it. I have brought you here for that very reason. Look into the fire to see the possible fate of your people."
Jim gazed deeply into the fire and saw horrific images of brutality. He saw people being brutally tortured and dismembered. He saw visions of people being disemboweled and having their entrails drag behind as they were ripped along the ground. He witnessed people being skinned alive with rusty knives. He saw people being slowly burned from the feet up. He saw invisible forces rip limbs from children. His stomach began to turn as he saw people being ripped in two, people being turned inside out, people being chopped into pieces. He saw hundreds upon thousands of dead bodies hung from trees by their organs, by their throats. He saw bodies hanging from nooses made out of the intestines coming out of their stomachs. He wanted to turn away from the fire, but he was frozen, unable to turn away or to close his eyes. After a few minutes, the images began to fade, and Jim was free to move.
"I have chosen some of the most horrible ways of death for your planet from your own past. Your people will learn a bitter lesson before they die."
Jim was able to think a bit now, and he managed to ask, "You said 'possible fate'. What did you mean?"
"That is the precise reason you have been brought here. You are to decide the fate of your people."
"I don't understand," Jim said, "how am I going to decide the fate of humanity?"
"We are going to play cards for the Earth," wheezed the old man. "Do you know how to play a game your race invented, called 'Five Card Draw'?"
"Yes, I've played it before," Jim answered.
"Very well then, you understand the rules?" questioned the old man.
"By the way, why should I play this game?" questioned Jim.
"Not that you have much choice," sneered the old man, "but here's what you stand to gain. If you win, humanity will be saved for another two thousand years. But if you lose, everyone dies, starting with you and your family."
Jim thought this over carefully and decided that he really didn't have much choice. Jim nodded.
The old man shuffled the deck faster than Jim's eyes could follow. The old man let Jim cut the deck, and the cards were ready. The old man looked at Jim and rasped, "Five card draw, one hand, winner take all. One draw." The old man dealt the cards like lightning. Nervously, Jim waited for the old man to finish dealing. As he reached for his cards, he noticed the old man was simply waiting for him to examine his hand. Jim uneasily took his hand from the ash-ridden floor and looked at it. Two kings, a queen, a jack, and a ten. He was excited that he had two kings, but he was unsure whether or not to drop one of the kings and go for a straight, or keep the sure pair in the hopes that the old man had nothing. He looked at the old man who was staring coldly back at him.
"How many cards," asked the old man. Jim balked for a moment, but he kept the pair and threw the queen, jack, and ten away. All he could think about was his family. The old man paused before he discarded two cards from his hand. Beads of sweat rolled down Jim's forehead. Three cards, he thought. The old man surely can't be playing haphazardly for the world, and surely the old man isn't playing to lose. So he had to have something good. Thoughts of his wife passed through Jim's head. He was scared now, he realized that this game could cost not only him and his family their lives, but the entire planet's lives as well.
The old man calmly dealt Jim three cards, himself two. After the old man picked up his cards, a wry smile appeared on his parched lips. He set his hand down, and stared intently at Jim. Jim was definitely shaking now. He swallowed deeply as thoughts of baseball games and lovemaking flashed through his mind. If there is a God, he thought, please help me save everyone. Jim slowly went to get his cards, pulling them through the ash towards his lap. He picked them up without looking at them. He looked at the old man, and he saw the calm smile of leering confidence on his face. Jim took a deep breath and looked at his cards. Two kings and an ace!
Jim tried not to smile as he put the cards into his hand. He looked at the smiling old man and wanted to slap that smile right off of his face. His chance would come soon enough. The old man spoke to him quietly as he said, "What do you have?"
Jim smiled as he laid down his four kings, "Four of a kind," he calmly said.
The old man bowed his head, looking at his hand. He sat there for a minute, Jim watched as he took a deep breath, and raised his head. He had an evil grin on his face. "Me too," he said as he laid down the four aces.
Jim was in shock as he slid back from the smiling old man. Images of death and destruction slid back into Jim's head as he slumped where he sat. He couldn't believe that he got beaten by a freak luck hand like that. "Please," he begged, "just one more hand."
"Sorry," creaked the old man, "you know the rules, and you agreed to them."
Then it occurred to Jim. "Wait a minute," Jim blurted. He looked at the remaining card in his hand. The Ace of Hearts stared coldly back at him. "You cheated!" screamed Jim, "That's not fair." "Life isn't fair, my dear creature," responded the old man, "did you REALLY think that I would let you, a mere mortal, and a human at that, have a chance at saving yourself? Sorry, I only do this to ease the monotony. But now, I have work to do, so if you'll excuse me..." Jim's flaming carcass slumped to the ground, smoldering gently as the old man stood up and walked off into the darkness.
He had much to do and very little time to do it.